The Secret Diaries of Harry Potter book 1
by Starry Elf Child
Summary: Humorous Slashed-up Diaries during Book 1. Absolutely no point. Meant for enjoyment only.
1. Harry

Disclaimor- All the characters in this belong to J.K. Rowling   
  
A/N I don't like slashes this is just a humor! And I know it isn't true. Most characters are gay. Rather perverted. Hope you find it funny. Came along with  
too much time and nothing to do. Grammer WILL PROBABLY be bad and lots of internet lingo. Enjoy!  
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*~The Secret Diaries of Harry Potter~*  
Dear Diary,  
Today was Dudley's b-day. Woken by annoying aunt again. Figg broke her lef. Got to go to zoo. YAY!   
Somehow set boa constrictor on Dudley and Piers. HA! HA!  
Quite possitive I'm hotter than either of them.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Stuck in closet under stairs. ARG!  
On the plus- sexiest one in here.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Out of closet, YAY!   
Got mail today.Uncle Vernon (ugly git) tore it up. ARG!  
Definately sexiest in family.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Keep getting mail. Sure Uncle Vernon have gone mad. Rather scary. Driving us all over country.  
On island now. V. cold.  
Sexiest on island.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Big creepy hairy giant came to take me to a wizard school.  
Gave Dudley pig tail. V. funny. Got letter. GO ME! Turned eleven.  
Sexiest eleven year old wizard.  
Wait, screw that- sexiest wizard.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Went to Diagon Alley w/ Hagrid. Many people. Wanted snake, got owl- damn it.   
Snakes so much cooler and more useful. O well.   
Got wand. Pointy stick *evil grin* I like it! V. useful.  
Met sexy blonde boy today.  
He may be sexier than me.  
Damn it!  
  
Dear Diary,   
Finally on train to Hogwarts. Saw w/ red head named Ron. Am deffinately hotter.  
Found out I'm famous. Saw blonde guy again, Draco Malfoy. Kept giving him seductive looks.  
Didn't cath those. Stormed out of compartment when I said didn't want to be friends.   
Didn't cath hint. Annoying bushy haired girl kept talking about me.  
Still sexiest and most famous (GO ME!)  
  
Dear Diary,  
Sorting hat kept trying to put me in Slytherin. Said I could do great things there.  
I can do THINGS just as good up in Gryffindor.   
Draco still mad. Don't think he likes me *pout*  
Well I'm sure I can find some other hot guy.  
By far the sexiest.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Find Snape strangly attractive. Other teachers deffinatly gay.   
Crabbe and Goyle are hitting on Draco. Oh well. I will hex them if they try anything.  
Can't figure out why Ron keeps kicking me under table in the Great Hall.  
Sexiest still.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Just went to see Hagrid w/ Ron. Everytime I mentioned the break in at Gringotts he gave me a   
wierd look. Wonder what that's about....  
Draco challenged me to a midnight duel tonight! I hope he's looking for more than dueling...  
  
~LATER~  
  
Draco ditched and told Filch *sulk*  
Ran into 3-headed dog. What kind of mad people keep these things?!   
Made quidditch team. Thanks t Draco. Maybe I could thank him in a special way....  
Hopefully he will tihhnk I'm sexier now...  
  
Dear Diary,  
Had to save Hermione from troll in Girls bathroom. I think it was trying to hit on Ron...  
On better thought-got broomstick! Learning how to use it. Many ways.   
Wonder what Draco thinks? Does he think my scar is sexy?  
O, but Oliver Wood was showing me how to play quidditch, Watched him roll on ground w/ bludger.   
V. Entertaining  
Rather sexy, but not as sexy as me.  
  
Dear Diary,  
1st quidditch game today, Snape tried to jinx the broom.  
Started vibrating faster and faster. Nearly swallowed snitch right after.  
Fluffy gaurding something important to Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamer.   
Wonder if they have any sort of relationship.  
  
Dera Diary,  
Christmas today. Got special fancy invisibility cloak from secret admirerer. YAY!  
Wandered castle. Found mirror full of sexy people. Realized they were family.  
No wonder I'm so sexy!  
  
Dear Diary,  
Night before last went to mirror with Ron. Kept grabbing me under cloak claiming  
he didn't know where I was. Horny bastard.  
Went back last night and found Dumbledore staring at me.   
Creepy right? Rather pervy.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Testing month away. Hermione gone mad.   
Must hide. Arg.  
Sexy in hiding.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Hagrid got dragon. Finally hatched. Bit Ron. His hand big and swollen.  
Not a turn-on.  
Sexy Draco found out.  
Got dragon to N. Tower for Ron's brother to take away.  
Got caught on way back.  
Serving detention w/ Draco. YAY!  
Positive sexy scar turning on Draco.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Went into Forbidden Forest for detention. Split in pairs-  
Draco, Neville, Fang, (no me *sigh*) and Hagrid, Hermione, and me.  
Draco scared Neville and we switched groups. YAY! Found creepy guy sucking unicorn.  
Draco screamed. About to tell him I would protect him when he ran away.  
Guy crept toward me muttering something sounding like "Throw me down and shag me rotten"  
or maybe not... Centaur jumped infront saying "He's too young!" and went on to tell me some   
stupid stuff about Voldie. W/E dude. The horse body was pretty big turn-off and the fact that   
he wasn't intersted in ANYTHING on Earth.  
Sexiest from earth to the moon and beyond.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Snapes gonna try and get the stone tonight. Wonder why he wants eternal life? Maybe so he can  
shag every got guy he sees..... Told McGonagol becaus Dumbledore is gone. Said fine and the   
world's virginity was safe. Well got to get stone tonight. there goes watching Draco change for bed...  
  
Dear Diary,  
In hospital wing. Fought Voldie. Update on what happened-  
Ron knocked out by giant chess piece,  
Hermione left to get Dumbledore,  
While fighting, Voldie kept saying one way to get on his good side.  
Got stone out of mirror.  
After that Quirrel (not Snape) kept touching me. He kept getting burnt and hurting me.  
Woke up in hospital wind w/ pervy Dumbledore staring at me.  
Seems to think I'm sext too....  
  
Dear Diary,  
On train home.  
  
Dear Diary,  
No Draco for the rest of the summer *wails*  
but Ron wants me to visit and meet his family.   
Still can't figure out why he kept kicking me under the table in the Great Hall.  
Sexiest in familey  
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Ok there's Harry's diary. Hope ya thought it was funny and enjoyed it. Please review and don't flame. Gonna post others too. 


	2. Dudley

Due to some questioning... no I did not write those brilliant Lord of the Rings Diaries... Yes, that IS where I got the idea. Sorry for the long wait in updating, well here you go...  
  
The Very Secret Diaries of Dudley Dursley  
  
Mi burthdey tuda. Laats of presints. Hari ruins evrythang. Ceem to zoo w/ us. made Snake atake us. You bettr gife me presints two.  
  
Got close for scool. Hit hari w/ stick. was fun  
  
hari got a latter. were is my letar?  
  
hari got more laters. dad has gun mad. said leafing. pack faast.  
woodn't let me tak t.v. vcr or comptar.  
  
dryving for lang time. won't stop. not fun.  
  
in midle of oshen. smal houes. hungry.  
  
big man brake into house. say haris a wizrd. gave me tale.  
  
went home. back to tv YAY!  
  
hari leeft today. got tail reemuved. tv back on...  
  
at scool. boys snobi. hit them w/ stick and gt in trubble.  
  
not enuf food. hungry.  
  
The next couple of pages seem to be misses with rather large bite marks out of them.  
Dudley also seems to have forgotten or is to lazy to write.  
  
Well there you go. There's Dudley's. The spelling is horrible. That time it was intentional. 


End file.
